Trying to get back on track!

Its been a pretty good 2 weeks. Besides dealing with things at work and things at home. I have been trying to get back on track with my eating and exercise. I went back to the beginning. Started writing down everything again. Bought a new binder with colorful paper and pens .... because that always helps. LOL  I am going to be honest not too happy with the gain I had on Tuesday 10/21 I weighed in at 211.......:(   That was enough to kick myself across the room . So back to basics. Protein , Protein , Protein. No more bread, crackers . No more icecream and Chocolate. I stopped. Today I weighed in 207. So I am doing something right. Exercise I rocked last week . Took a few jogs, started 3- 30 day challenges Squats, Pushups and Situps, Burpees 233 of them in 30 mins and also did a Jump for Joy which was a circuit in Shape magazine (100 Jump Ropes, 75 High knees, 50 squats, 25 pushups, 150 Jump Rope, 75 Jumping Jacks, 50 Lunges, 25 situps, 200 Jump Ropes, 75 Butt Kicks, 50 Mountain climbers, 25 leg raises) Absolutely loved that circuit. I was dying at the end but felt damn good.
Yesterday I finally felt the addict side of me come out again, meaning I am starting to become addicted to working out again. This weekend was horrible with Halloween but I immediately erased my thoughts on how horrible I was and started over a new day. I have been feeling a bit sick since Sunday so I have been taking it a little easier this week so far exercise wise. So yesterday I had a training session out in the cold and it was hard. 1/4 mile run, 10 burpees, 10 kettlebell throws and 10 of some other kettle bell one that I cant remember the name of. I was fine with all of it except the damn running . My lungs were on fire and I was wheezing up a storm. I need to get out and run some more in this cold so my lungs get use to it. Especially since I have my 5k on Thanksgiving. I couldn't believe the wheezing I was doing after wards too. So time to get out there and run more. Eating hasn't been as good as last week but not horrible either. Weight has stayed the same this week no drop or gain so that is good.

Trail Running!!

Sunday I finally joined my trainer and few people from our fitness group on a trail run in the woods. Can I just say I LOVED IT!!! Totally different experience then just running on the sidewalk or track. Plus my trainer wouldn't let me listen to music so I actually got to enjoy the scenery and really listen to my breathing. I ran most of it. I would say I walked maybe a 1/2 mile maybe. I tried to just stay jogging when I got to a big hill I would be dead by the time I was done and have to catch my breath but not too bad. I can't wait to go back. I wish I had a trail like that closer to home cause Id be on it everyday!!! It brought back that feeling again , the feeling of new and exciting!!! It has been missing for a while. Also my husbands cousin ran in the chicago marathon on Sunday and just following her and getting excited for her to finish has sparked that goal again. Someday I will run the Chicago Marathon. I will!!!! So I was reading that you have to train 2 yrs for that so I am going to start now. First goal to run a whole mile non stop and then 2 and then 3 and so on!!! I think I should be up to 26.2 by the time the marathon is in 2016 or 2017.

Giving up isnt an option!

I feel like the walls have been slowly closing in on me. I blog to get my stresses out and it does help especially after I go back and re-read my feelings. It is so strange how that works. I have been under a ton of stress lately and it sucks. When I am with my kids I have to act like everything is okay and that can be so draining at times. My 1st stress is finances. I hate that money has such control over everything in life. As soon as I feel okay we got this under control something else hits me in the mail and I'm like "shit!! Really?". I am trying really hard to work our finances and I hope one of these days it will smooth out better. I have always been a positive person, "everything happens for a reason" has been my motto for all my life and has really helped me stay positive and get through the storms. I keep telling myself over and over "everything happens for a reason" this too shall pass and things will start getting better........... will they? I find negative nancy peeking in a bit more these days and I really hate her. I guess there comes a time in your life that what you have always done may not work anymore. Could this be that time for me?
My 2nd stress is my daughter Emilee. 6 years old and acts like she is 20 at times. I swear she is pushing my buttons way too far and I am so confused how to handle things with her anymore. It isnt easy being a parent at least for me it hasn't come naturally . I know I hear some moms like oh it is such a joy and so rewarding. I see the rewarding end of it sometimes but JOY not so much yet with this one. We are going to be taking her to a psychologist and I am hoping her working with them will help her and she will turn this magic corner soon. I hope and pray it isn't something serious and it is just her stubborness. I get a call at least once a week from school and it makes my heart ache because I want so much for her and want her to be happy and carefree and not stress so much at such a young age. She has some anger issues and emotional issues that I am trying to learn how to cope with and help her with. I will say one thing that has come of all this is my patience has gotten better and me controlling myself has gotten better. I try to not to get so angry so fast and sit and talk with her to see what is going on in her head instead of . It is just so heart breaking knowing something isn't right with your kid and you can't just erase it and make it all better.
Obviously stressing about my weight loss and all that too. Have been trying to stick with it and it has been rough because all the extra stresses just make me want to sit on the couch and cry or eat. I use to work out when I was stressed and I am not sure why that has stopped and I need to start doing that again but I think physically/mentally I am drained right now all over. I am reading a book about positive thinking so I am hoping it will give me some ideas that will help. I am also thinking of starting with a counselor. I know this will pass and time will heal all and I know that I must stay positive and kick the rest to the curb. I will get through it and will come out stronger.

Forever back and forth!!

I am sick of my head going back and forth between motivated and not caring!!! I have taken a step back this week and pretty much stopped caring what I put in my mouth and what I have done to exercise. It is bitter sweet! On one hand I am feeling some of my stress lifted and Im feeling myself breathing a bit better but on the other hand I am gaining weight and not feeling good physically- lack of energy. I definately can tell a difference in my body and how I feel every morning and night. Eating crap makes me feel like crap physically but mentally makes me feel good. I have actually enjoyed my food this week and the taste and liked that. I also haven't been eating the same thing over and over again which is nice. I didn't start the week off on a mission to test things out but as of today it has turned into a test. After tomorrow I am hoping to go back to healthy living and try to put forth more effort at making my food taste good so I can enjoy the heathly stuff as much as the not so heatlhy stuff. I am definately going to start working out everyday again- that I miss a ton. I am one of those crazy people that enjoys sweating and kicking my butt!!! Things have been tight money wise so food will be a challenge this week but I will figure it out and make better choices. It is amazing how the cheap $1 stuff is so bad . I went to CVS this week and they have a $1 isle with mac n cheese, rice a roni , cereal, and all that easy to make stuff. So bad but so good and affordable when all you have is some change in your pocket. I still have my goals that I want to achieve so I will be working on it again. Life has been rough lately but it is looking up and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to get my mind right again. It will always be a struggle but I get stronger with each bump.

Your mind!!!

Your mind is a funny thing! One day you can be so depressed and down in the dumps and the next day your on top of the world!!! So many stresses in life,  so many demands!!!! My mind has been a whirlwind of shit for the past year. Good , bad, Great and horrific!!! I never in my life thought Id be dealing with so much emotional stresses after losing 120 lbs. There are days I would find my mind wandering.... At least when I was fat I could grab a tub of Ben and Jerrys and eat away my problems and be happy!!! LOL I know... nonsense being healthier is so much better. But it is hard telling yourself that when your day has been crap. Now today I find myself so stressed out that I am looking forward to kicking my ass in my training session. I actually don't want a tub of ben and Jerry's. Amazing!!!! Now I know that is because I started eating better and I am not craving my carbs as much. And my mind is in the right place.....today anyway!!!! 
I didn't get to finish this blog yesterday so I will today. Yesterdays training session was exactly what I needed. Sweat my stress away. Thank god!!! Felt so much better afterward. I went to the store after and picked up some chicken, turkey bacon, mushrooms, green peppers and red peppers and went home and made the most terrific dinner!!! Healthy too!!! After training there was no way I was going to eat bad and ruin it. I really do feel like my mind is in the best place it has been in months.
Okay so this blog is going to be all over the place. My next thing is running. I swear I feel like I will never get the breathing down I am so out of breath after less then 5 mins that I get light headed and can't catch my breath. I want to run damnit!!! I want to run a full 5k and a 10K and a 1/2 marathon and eventually my ultimate goal will be a marathon but at this rate it will never happen. I am going to make an appointment at my doctor just to eliminate asthma being a problem cause that is all I can think it could be. My lungs should be stronger then this. I have watched numerous videos on how to breath when running and have tried different ways but it still isn't helping. I do really well inside on the treadmill jogging for 10 mins straight without this problem so I just dont get it.

Sabotage!!- Emotional

It happens to us all, tons of stress and we get Emotional and Sabotage ourselves! Or we talk ourselves into a treat way too many times....."you've worked so hard", "you deserve it", "what is one scoop of ice cream really going to do anyway?", "I'll just workout harder tomorrow to make up for it"............. That stupid voice in your head!!!! I have worked hard and I do deserve a treat every once in a while but when it becomes a daily thing it needs to stop. I catch myself every few months falling into that trap and seeing myself reverting to old ways. It is so hard to stay on track every day and for so long. I have been working on this since December of 2012 and my mentality in the beginning was - this is a life change not a diet. But right now I feel like life change? What is that? My diet has gone on so long and I just want to enjoy food again. I just want to eat a full cheeseburger or a full order of cheese fries again. I was doing so good too, food is my fuel I kept saying eat only to fuel myself for living and working out. Why does this happen? I am trying to get motivated again but there are things in life that just stress me out and make my mind wander to a place I hate. I have tried a lot of things to motivate myself but nothing is working anymore. I know I have come a far way and I only have a little more to go and I knew the last of the pounds were going to be hard but didn't realize how hard. Time to get my mind back in the game and stop letting myself sabotage myself!!!! I start today and I take it one day at a time. No more eating crap no more EXCUSES!!!!

Curve Ball!! NEW BEGINNINGS!!

Well on Friday the 18th I drank a red bull and had a horrible stomach pain from 11am until 7pm. I thought it was the carbonation of the redbull that made me feel that way. On Saturday I ate my normal breakfast and not even 15 mins later my stomach pain came back and twice as bad as the day before. Wth!!! So Saturday after work I made my hubby take me in to the Emergency room.  I swear I would rather have 20 more babies then have that pain. I couldn't get comfortable at all I wanted to kill someone. Thankfully I got some good drugs that took it all away. Found out I had gall stones and some were blocking one of the ducts and causing all the pain and swelling. They sent me home with a bunch of pills, pain pills, vallium, anti nausea medicine and spasm medicine. Also only clear liquids until I can see my doctor. Yay!!! Well Sunday morning and afternoon went well but evening pain came back . ER again!! more pain meds and I felt better. Now tell me why these f'ers sent me home again? I stayed on clear liquids only all of Monday and Tuesday still with pain but this time they gave me a stronger pain med and it worked a lot better. So Wednesday I go into the doctor and they admit me to the hospital. FINALLY!!! Wednesday was a blur pretty much pain killers all day and poking and proding . Thursday they say we are going to put you under and put stents in to see if we can get the stones out of the duct. What? Why? just take the m'fer out please!!!! Well I get back from the first surgery and find out that they are going to do a 2nd surgery later in the day to remove the gall bladder because it was full of stones. Awesome!!! So gall bladder is gone, pain is pretty much gone but guess what I have to go in for a 3rd and final surgery to have the stents removed because they couldn't do that at the same time as the gall bladder removal. HUH!!! Man I can't wait for that to be over. Not sure when I will have that procedure but I hope before school starts. Now after  I got released to go home I was on vacation/recovery. I was a bad bad girl all that week. I ate whatever I wanted and thoroughly enjoyed every last bite. Andy's concrete mixers with peanut butter cup, nachos, chips and salsa, crepes with chocolate and bananas, popcorn, peanut M&M's, fried pickles you name I tried it and ate it with no guilt what so ever. Well I felt like absolute crap from all the crap I was eating -drained and tired. Probably not the greatest idea after a surgery. Stupid Stupid Stupid. Guilt set in and now I am back to eating right again and let me tell you I feel a lot better. I thankfully didn't gain anything which was lucky. So back at it in the gym and eating!! I was so happy to step foot on an elliptical again on Monday morning and guess what I worked out again in the evening cause I wanted to. I really missed it. I pulled out my Jillian Michaels body revolution and the last time I did it I couldn't even make it through the whole 30 mins, this time I felt it was a bit easy and made it with now problem. First time in a while I realized how much more physically fit I am now!!! I love it!!! So I feel like a new beginning is here and I am going to set some goals again.

1st goal - I will get in my 5 -5k's I have two more to do and one of them is set in November (rotary club pie run)

2nd goal- To lose 29 lbs by the end of the year. Why 29? because in 29 lbs I will no longer be obese by my BMI. I will be overweight but NO LONGER OBESE!!!

3rd goal- Work on getting everyone in the house to eat better. More Veggies , More Fruits (got them more active now to work on the eating)

4th goal- Start 2015 off with the New Year run downtown. I wanted to do it last year and didn't so this year I am doing it.