Giving up isnt an option!

I feel like the walls have been slowly closing in on me. I blog to get my stresses out and it does help especially after I go back and re-read my feelings. It is so strange how that works. I have been under a ton of stress lately and it sucks. When I am with my kids I have to act like everything is okay and that can be so draining at times. My 1st stress is finances. I hate that money has such control over everything in life. As soon as I feel okay we got this under control something else hits me in the mail and I'm like "shit!! Really?". I am trying really hard to work our finances and I hope one of these days it will smooth out better. I have always been a positive person, "everything happens for a reason" has been my motto for all my life and has really helped me stay positive and get through the storms. I keep telling myself over and over "everything happens for a reason" this too shall pass and things will start getting better........... will they? I find negative nancy peeking in a bit more these days and I really hate her. I guess there comes a time in your life that what you have always done may not work anymore. Could this be that time for me?
My 2nd stress is my daughter Emilee. 6 years old and acts like she is 20 at times. I swear she is pushing my buttons way too far and I am so confused how to handle things with her anymore. It isnt easy being a parent at least for me it hasn't come naturally . I know I hear some moms like oh it is such a joy and so rewarding. I see the rewarding end of it sometimes but JOY not so much yet with this one. We are going to be taking her to a psychologist and I am hoping her working with them will help her and she will turn this magic corner soon. I hope and pray it isn't something serious and it is just her stubborness. I get a call at least once a week from school and it makes my heart ache because I want so much for her and want her to be happy and carefree and not stress so much at such a young age. She has some anger issues and emotional issues that I am trying to learn how to cope with and help her with. I will say one thing that has come of all this is my patience has gotten better and me controlling myself has gotten better. I try to not to get so angry so fast and sit and talk with her to see what is going on in her head instead of . It is just so heart breaking knowing something isn't right with your kid and you can't just erase it and make it all better.
Obviously stressing about my weight loss and all that too. Have been trying to stick with it and it has been rough because all the extra stresses just make me want to sit on the couch and cry or eat. I use to work out when I was stressed and I am not sure why that has stopped and I need to start doing that again but I think physically/mentally I am drained right now all over. I am reading a book about positive thinking so I am hoping it will give me some ideas that will help. I am also thinking of starting with a counselor. I know this will pass and time will heal all and I know that I must stay positive and kick the rest to the curb. I will get through it and will come out stronger.

Forever back and forth!!

I am sick of my head going back and forth between motivated and not caring!!! I have taken a step back this week and pretty much stopped caring what I put in my mouth and what I have done to exercise. It is bitter sweet! On one hand I am feeling some of my stress lifted and Im feeling myself breathing a bit better but on the other hand I am gaining weight and not feeling good physically- lack of energy. I definately can tell a difference in my body and how I feel every morning and night. Eating crap makes me feel like crap physically but mentally makes me feel good. I have actually enjoyed my food this week and the taste and liked that. I also haven't been eating the same thing over and over again which is nice. I didn't start the week off on a mission to test things out but as of today it has turned into a test. After tomorrow I am hoping to go back to healthy living and try to put forth more effort at making my food taste good so I can enjoy the heathly stuff as much as the not so heatlhy stuff. I am definately going to start working out everyday again- that I miss a ton. I am one of those crazy people that enjoys sweating and kicking my butt!!! Things have been tight money wise so food will be a challenge this week but I will figure it out and make better choices. It is amazing how the cheap $1 stuff is so bad . I went to CVS this week and they have a $1 isle with mac n cheese, rice a roni , cereal, and all that easy to make stuff. So bad but so good and affordable when all you have is some change in your pocket. I still have my goals that I want to achieve so I will be working on it again. Life has been rough lately but it is looking up and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to get my mind right again. It will always be a struggle but I get stronger with each bump.

Your mind!!!

Your mind is a funny thing! One day you can be so depressed and down in the dumps and the next day your on top of the world!!! So many stresses in life,  so many demands!!!! My mind has been a whirlwind of shit for the past year. Good , bad, Great and horrific!!! I never in my life thought Id be dealing with so much emotional stresses after losing 120 lbs. There are days I would find my mind wandering.... At least when I was fat I could grab a tub of Ben and Jerrys and eat away my problems and be happy!!! LOL I know... nonsense being healthier is so much better. But it is hard telling yourself that when your day has been crap. Now today I find myself so stressed out that I am looking forward to kicking my ass in my training session. I actually don't want a tub of ben and Jerry's. Amazing!!!! Now I know that is because I started eating better and I am not craving my carbs as much. And my mind is in the right place.....today anyway!!!! 
I didn't get to finish this blog yesterday so I will today. Yesterdays training session was exactly what I needed. Sweat my stress away. Thank god!!! Felt so much better afterward. I went to the store after and picked up some chicken, turkey bacon, mushrooms, green peppers and red peppers and went home and made the most terrific dinner!!! Healthy too!!! After training there was no way I was going to eat bad and ruin it. I really do feel like my mind is in the best place it has been in months.
Okay so this blog is going to be all over the place. My next thing is running. I swear I feel like I will never get the breathing down I am so out of breath after less then 5 mins that I get light headed and can't catch my breath. I want to run damnit!!! I want to run a full 5k and a 10K and a 1/2 marathon and eventually my ultimate goal will be a marathon but at this rate it will never happen. I am going to make an appointment at my doctor just to eliminate asthma being a problem cause that is all I can think it could be. My lungs should be stronger then this. I have watched numerous videos on how to breath when running and have tried different ways but it still isn't helping. I do really well inside on the treadmill jogging for 10 mins straight without this problem so I just dont get it.